Have you ever had a day where nothing is going right, your feet hurt, people are mean, and the only thing you want most in life is to go home? Why is that? Because, in theory, home should be where we re-charge. Home should be an atmosphere where we have peace and refuge. Home should be what we go out into the world to fight for.
What home looks like is different for everyone, but the overall effect should be the same. Safe. Calm. My place of belonging. It is one of the most detrimental things to a person when their home doesn’t feel like it is theirs to claim. Yours may not always look the same to everyone. It can be a nuclear family or you are living by yourself. It can be in the middle of metropolis to the rural barn-dominium. To one person it living with friends and to another person it is having a dozen kids. Apartment, to mansion, to trailer. It does not matter what it physically looks like. What matters is what it feels like. Is it the place we strive to return.
When I imagine what I want my home to look and feel like, I imagine the fresh scent of wind and grass gently wafting through open windows in the summer. A fire in the fireplace with cozy blankets to keep out the chill in winter. Coming home to my children and husband, who are happy to see me. Respectful and loving conversations with my husband. I can live anywhere so long as I have them. Everything else I can work on and try to fix. I was single until I was 33 years old. My image of home was a little different. Mostly, it was the same except I didn’t have family to welcome me home. I knew how I wanted my house to smell, to be tidy, and safe.
How does learning life skills affect atmosphere?
I am currently a tamed nomad. I would move every one to two years up until now, after having lived alone for over a decade. This is one thing I wish I would have understood more and worked on making my places as welcoming as possible. I wish I had worked on those skills that create a welcoming atmosphere instead of now having to play catch up. I never valued them when I was a young woman. My mother and step-mother tried to teach me the homemaking skills of basic cooking and cleaning, and some of it stuck, but probably not enough for their liking. I certainly had the feminist tough-girl act of “I don’t like cooking” or “I don’t sew” and didn’t see their value.
It is understandable that some of you do not have passion for homemaking skills. I understand because I don’t have that passion either. But I recognize the necessity. Why is tidying up and cleaning so important? Have you ever compared the energy of a home that is messy to one that is clean? It feels different. It definitely smells different. Atmosphere hits all the senses. Sight-Does what you see invite you to sit and relax? Sound- Does what you hear calm your nerves and allow you to be yourself? Taste – that goes with smell, and your ability to cook. Touch – When you walk barefoot and when you touch your counters and couches, is it something you enjoy? Smell – does your home bring a smile or nose crinkle?
Sight
There are so many different aspects to the sight senses. The colors, furniture arrangement, organization, and cleanliness of the home all play their part. I was not blessed with the ability to decorate. Not my skill. If I am provided a box of things to decorate with, I could put something together that looks nice, but coming up with the idea on my own is not in my wheelhouse. I scour the internet for ideas. You could also get a friend or family member with a good eye to help you if you have this unfortunate deficit.
It is amazing what the effect of re-arranging your furniture has on a room. I remember my mother would change a room like 5 times before she would be satisfied with the layout. The the layout encourage entry into the room? You can use furniture to create intimate spaces in large rooms. I had to do that in my last house. The living room was a long rectangle. Not particularly wide. The obvious answer was to put the large couch on the far wall and the TV on the other. Huge gap in-between. If you don’t have a huge TV then it just looked ridiculous. But, putting my couch towards the middle of the room, almost cutting it in half, allowed the one space to be the TV area, and the space behind the couch for bookshelves and a piano. It was much more inviting.
Organization and Light
A lack of organization of your necessary papers, appliances, and electronics can cause clutter. Clutter can cause your body to tense with anxiety. I hate clutter. I’m looking at clutter right now and it’s driving me nuts. I get to a point where I just want to throw it all away. I could do that. It’s not a terrible option. But it can also be very wasteful. Organizing can let the eyes rest easy on your spaces.
Also consider light. Do you have natural light in your home? The sunlight that filters through your doors and windows, for some reason, just adds serenity to your rooms. If you ever watch those television shows about home buying, natural tends to be one of the more highly sought after perks. If you don’t have much natural light, there are ways to add soft lighting with lamps, specific light bulbs, or even remodeling if you are feeling spendy.
I believe cleanliness is a no-brainer. Or tidiness. Seeing splotches of food on your floor or finger smudges up and down your hallways can have an effect. I clean it when I see it, or when it gets too much. But if you can, get a routine cleaning schedule. If you have one, I’m so proud of you. That is something I truly wish I would stick to.
Sound
What sounds are enjoyable is different for each person. Some sounds don’t bother you, while it may grind the nerves of another. Until I had my own kids, I hated the repetative sounds of kid toys and background talking. Now it doesn’t bother me so much. But there is a point when I get overloaded – when my husband is talking to me, my child is trying to get my attention, the TV on, and my husband’s phone playing a youtube video. It can be too much.
This would happen when I was working too. Sound overload. My earpiece radio would have someone constantly talking on it, a witness would be trying to speak with me, a suspect fighting or medical on-scene working a patient, and my phone would be going off all while I was trying to get a handle on a crime scene. As a patrol sergeant, my job was to make sure larger, in-progress scenes were being tended to and had all the necessary resources. It was not to speak with victims and witnesses or to collect evidence. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen from time to time.
When we get overloaded, we tend to shut down our other senses. Have you ever taken off your sunglasses to hear someone better? It’s because the sunglasses are actually a distraction your brain is trying to get rid of so you can focus more on your hearing. This can happen in your home, especially if you have children. As you well know, I’m sure. But it can also happen to couples. It is hard to have meaningful conversations when the TV is blaring or the stereo is rocking out. Consider shutting them off. Don’t listen to a youtube video while you’re watching a tv show. One thing at a time.
Taste
Have you ever smelled something and had a taste in your mouth afterwards? I used to get this when I would respond to dead bodies. I could taste death. You can also taste dust or cooked food. It’s like it coats your tongue. I have an aversion to strong smells, so maybe it doesn’t affect other people the same. I don’t like strong perfumes, so I have to be careful with any candles or wax burners in my home.
Most of how taste affects atmosphere is tied to smell. Strong smells. But, if you have an ability to make delicious food, that can also affect your home’s atmosphere. When your family comes home they are pleased that they get to fill their bellies with the tastiness you created. I have this thing where I am so happy when people enjoy the food I make. I am happy when they are happy, and I contributed to that happiness. Plus, I get to enjoy the food too.
Touch
Touch is an amazing sense. The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of the sense of touch are soft things. Soft blankets, soft carpet and rugs. But then I also consider how the floor feels when I walk on it. Is there dirt and dust on my end tables? When I put my hands on the kitchen counter, is it sticky? There is also the consideration of different textures of your fabrics and textiles that draw the eye and fingers. This can be welcoming. It can also be overloading. Too many things to move around out of the way. Do I need to step around things on the floor (ugh, kids toys are everywhere!)?
Smell
Oh, smells. Smell is a big one for me. I hate it when my house smells too strongly of cooking grease and uncleanliness. I don’t much care for odor at all, but I can enjoy subtle hints of certain aromas. The smell of vanilla and citrus, or cashmere are enticing and clean. I like my clothes and my blankets to smell fresh. It helps enjoy being in my space. Unpleasant smells can distract you and keep you from being comfortable. What do you imagine your relaxing home smells like? Your place of fun, joy, and peace?
Cleaning your home with play a big part in its smell. I could always tell when I was going to walk into a dirty house. I could smell it before I even entered the door. Even if the yard was decent, I could smell it. An extreme example is hoarder homes and homes with pets. If you have pets, you have to work a little harder to keep the odor of dander at bay. Hoarder homes have a range of musky to just plain awful. Usually mixed in with animal urine. It is unfortunate. I am not judging people on how they choose to live. I understand that many people have mental illness, or physical ailments that prevent or make difficult maintaining a home. But the truth of the matter is that our homes have smells. If you are able, keep your homes clean.
How does our attitudes affect the atmosphere?
I find that one of biggest effects on my home is the spirit on contention. Some synonyms for contention are conflict, discord, dissension, strife, and variance. According to Merriam-Webster, the while these words mean “a state or condition marked by a lack of agreement or harmony,” contention applies to strife or competition that shows itself in quarreling, disputing, or controversy. Sounds bad, yeah? I hate how my home feels when my husband and I argue. I’m not saying be a doormat, we will have disagreements, but it is important to work out your disagreements with the well being of your spouse and love at the forefront.
One of the things I have considered is how I greet my husband when he gets home. Maybe I’ve been having a bad day, or I am irritated that he did not do something. He has been gone all day at work, possibly dealing with high stress and feeling overwhelmed. What does he come home to? Do I start off with yelling at him or throwing all the problems in our home in his face? What kind of an environment is that for him to come home to? There is a time and place to address the issues, but not when he walks in the door. It can be hard to keep the flood gates closed, but your relationships would greatly benefit. As well as not misplacing blame.
Become Peacemakers
Learn to be peacemakers. A peacemaker is a person that entreats reconciliation and forgiveness. Instead of dragging on an argument, step back and let there be forgiveness before hurt sets in. That peace in the home comes from mitigating contention. Mitigating the world from creeping in your home. Maybe you need to turn the television off or put your phone down and read a book. There is so much anger in social media and news. Politics has become polarizing instead of bringing understanding. Addressing opinions with one another has become “hate speech” instead of an attempt to understand our differences.
Maybe it is changing what you say to yourself. I know there have been plenty of times I have ranted in my head all the things that were wrong and that my husband wasn’t doing to make my life easier, and it feels nasty. When I acknowledge that I am feeling frustrated and perhaps not seen, I can let that anger dissipate. Once that anger is released, I can either address it with my husband or let the issue go entirely. Peace in the home.
The Power of Domain
The home is a woman’s domain. It is our space. We are biologically geared towards it regardless of our general disposition towards home skills. When we get pregnant, they have a term for it. It is called “nesting”. We create a comforting safe space for our littles. The way our mind works is geared towards running a home. Addressing the immediate needs of those around us is our specialty.
Create your home. Make it your own. Make it comfortable to be in. I’m a minimalist, mostly because I’m middling at decorating, and clutter makes me want to throw everything in the trash. But if little knick-knacks are your thing, by all means. I once saw a woman’s bedroom that was completely dedicated to Barbie…not sure how her husband felt about it, but they were still married so something was working. Keep the peace. Do things out of love. And do the things you don’t love doing out of necessity to care for the ones that you love.
Truly make it your own
I believe a beloved childhood song had it right: “There is beauty all around, when there is love at home. There is joy in every sound, when there’s love at home.”
Find what makes your home, home. Do you need to clean it up? Does your couch need a fluffy blanket? Do you need to change how you speak to one another? I will talk about kids in another post, but I believe that peace can be found in the chaos of children. The constant worry of not doing enough or not being good enough is the bane of every good parent.
Something to think about.